In the Future, the Drug War Will be Fought by Robots

Most people at my office just roll their eyes when I explain that the drug war will soon be carried out by high-tech robots, but I'm right and they're naïve. Both sides are employing the latest technology to gain an upper hand in this never-ending struggle, thus it's just a matter of time until robots get involved. Case in point:

Miami police could soon be the first in the United States to use cutting-edge, spy-in-the-sky technology to beef up their fight against crime.

A small pilotless drone manufactured by Honeywell International, capable of hovering and "staring" using electro-optic or infrared sensors, is expected to make its debut soon in the skies over the Florida Everglades.
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"Our intentions are to use it only in tactical situations as an extra set of eyes," said police department spokesman Juan Villalba. [Reuters]

Yeah, right. When law-enforcement requests sophisticated technology and promises to use it only in an emergency, you can bet they'll soon be expanding their definition of "emergency." It's just a matter of time until our borders are swarming with these:

The CIA acknowledges that it developed a dragonfly-sized UAV known as the "Insectohopter" for laser-guided spy operations as long ago as the 1970s.

Imagine swatting a wasp, only to receive a bill for 150K from the Dept. of Homeland Security. Meanwhile, the drug traffickers are setting the pace, unveiling a series of cool high-tech gadgetry. And this is just the stuff we know about:

Police in Mexico have come across a new weapon being used by the country's drug cartels - a James Bond-style vehicle complete with gadgets designed to deter arrest.
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Inside was a smoke machine and a device to spray spikes onto the road behind - the purpose to make a getaway easier and stop the car from being followed. [BBC]

They've also got semi-submersible drug trafficking vessels, which are difficult to detect on radar. There's even a rumor circulating that some of these semi-subs are actually robots. I bet it's true:

In some instances, the semi-subs are towed behind other vessels and are scuttled if they are detected, Allen said. Authorities are investigating reports that some semi-subs are unmanned and are operated remotely, he said. [CNN]

In the long run, it is just intuitive that drug traffickers will outsource as many of their tasks as possible to high-tech robots. Though costly, robots are difficult to kill and immune to lengthy drug sentences. They can be wired to self-destruct when captured, although it stands to reason that captures will be infrequent if the robots possess proper defenses.

If it isn't happening already, the use of robots to transport drugs by air and sea will commence in the short term. As robot technology becomes increasingly ubiquitous, expect them be employed in manufacturing and retail distribution as well. They've already got a robot selling medical marijuana in California, although I suspect it was not designed to withstand attacks by drug enforcement agents.

Obviously, there will be police robots as well and we can be reasonably sure they'll be outfitted with these horrible devices, which use ultraviolet lasers to detect drug residue. Hippies will have to clean up after themselves, as these roving narcbots will stop at nothing. If you're paranoid now, I'd like to know what you'll say when a robot approaches you and asks for consent to search.

If this sounds like a joke to you, you might not understand the limitless absurdity of the war on drugs. Every day, our drug war leaders get more pissed and propose newer and crazier ideas. There is no amount of our tax dollars they won't waste and no ridiculous scheme they won't try. So if my predictions don't come true, it won't be because robots are expensive or impractical. It will be because enough of us finally came to our senses and ended this ever-escalating war before these terrible robots could be built.