Don't Snort the Pink Cocaine

The hysteria surrounding candy-flavored drugs continues to provide a full-scale model for the rank stupidity of our press and policy-makers:

Federal drug agents have seized cocaine in a variety of designer flavors and arrested three men in Modesto after a 10-month undercover investigation, authorities reported Monday.

The cocaine, in strawberry, lemon, coconut and cinnamon flavors, may be aimed at women and a younger, club-going clientele, said Gordon Taylor, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration office in Sacramento. [Modesto Bee]

So cocaine that tastes like strawberries or cinnamon must be for the ladies? This is the sophisticated analysis you get when you call the DEA for insight on the latest drug scare. Strawberries = chicks. Genius.

Fortunately, the Modesto Bee at least concedes an important point I've been hammering since this whole candy-flavored drug scare emerged:

It costs about twice as much and is less potent, he said, but dealers bank on its novelty and taste to sell the product.

Senators Diane Feinstein (D-CA) and Charles Grassley (R-IA) went so far as to introduce legislation to increase penalties for candy-flavored meth, claiming that these products target children. Yet, flavored drugs are more expensive and therefore less appealing to young people, who don't have any money. The flavoring also reduces potency considerably, making candy flavored meth and cocaine much safer than their unadulterated forms.

So for those of you with a sweet tooth in your nose, be forewarned: Candy-flavored drugs are weak and overpriced. If you're trying to get high on cocaine, you might wanna stick with the good old-fashioned bitter-tasting white-colored stuff. And if you're looking for a sugar fix, I recommend Hershey's Cookies & Cream™ bars, which cost $1.39 and taste better than cocaine feels. And, finally, if you're trying to protect children, I recommend taxing and regulating drugs so we can better control who sells them, who buys them, and what their ingredients are.