Mushrooms "4" Mohammed

Can you believe the Supreme court of the United states is considering the constitutionality of a high school principal suspending a student for posting a banner saying "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" in the street, off school property, in the path of an Olympic runner, hoping to get his message on television? If the sign had appeared in the hallways of the school during a Christmas pageant, the principal might have had a weak leg to stand on. After all, to encourage drug use on school property is tantamount to encouraging cigarettes and alcohol, but I would contend the saying does NOT encourage drug use and is just a joke, a pretty funny one, with no particular message whatsoever other than to make you think, so let's do that. A high school principal punishing a student, Joseph Frederick, for activities off campus, even a "school sponsored event," seems a stretch too impossible to imagine. Or is it? Maybe this is the way to go. Maybe schools should give us grades for everything we do outside of school, a B-minus in watching television, an F in picking your nose in private. The case was a slippery slope that the Alaskan appellate court, in a unique display of common sense, threw out. The student won and that should have been that. A triumph of free speech for the state of Alaska. Case closed. But then a law firm decided that this would not stand. Without a client, strictly on their own initiative, they took the case to the Supreme Court, begging them to overturn the Alaskan appellate court's decision. They're asking the highest court in the land to exonerate the principal (and principle), to allow the eight days of suspension, already served, to stand as reasonable. And the Supreme Court, in their vast supremacy, decided this was worthy of their attention. Apparently the message "Bong hits 4 Jesus" is so reprehensible that it simply has to be punished. Instead of going after the originator, the online site whitehouse.org, who daily display it in front of thousands of internet surfers, the law firm decided to go after some kid who wrote it down on a banner and displayed it in front of what might have been dozens of people who weren't on the internet at the moment. Since no cops at the scene had the foresight to bash his head in, much less arrest him for public indecency, it was up to his school principal to bestow suitable punishment upon the poor sinner from hell who was otherwise getting good grades. This wouldn't be a political issue if it weren't for the fact this case wouldn't still exist except for the wretched man who spent bazillions of taxpayer dollars investigating the president's bodily functions, the king of concern for what people do in private, yes, it's the rebirth of Ken Starr, a man with an incomprehensible agenda. Not content with shoving oral sex down our throats every day for years, now he thinks we'll be outraged at the very idea of the son of God, born of a virgin, miracle worker, resurrected from the grave after dying for our sins, chuffing a bongload of Hawaiian. After all, wouldn't he more likely have come in contact with Afghani hash? Other than the obvious hallucinations in the New Testament, there is no particular evidence of drug use in the year zero other than the fact that clothing was made of hemp and, every once in while, the hemp plant spews out flowers with remarkable power. Jesus had means and opportunity, which leaves motive. No Playstations, no iPods, no malls, nothing to do but handle your hormones while wearing a robe and dealing with a mom with a definite Madonna complex and two dads, one on earth who isn't biological, and one in the sky with a God complex who is. Sounds like motive to me. It's important to remember there is no evidence whatsoever that Jesus DIDN'T enjoy a fatty once in a while. Consumption of leaves by setting them on fire is a crime that disposes of its own evidence. If I were rich, I'd hire an expert, probably myself, and search the world's museums for antiquities, identifying bongs that have been misidentified by the archeological community as drinking vessels or tools for penis enlargement. Though the whitehouse.org graphic accompanying the mischievous slogan shows the son of God getting a blast of gnarly, the quote itself suggests no such thing, and Joseph Frederick's sign didn't have the graphic, making the message something like "Mushrooms 4 Mohammed" or "Jell-O shots 4 Buddha" or "Crystal Meth 4 Krishnamurti." The "4" means "for," implying not that Jesus, during his teenage years, might have been offered a toke somewhere in his wandering, but that we, in celebration of his glory, should fire one up once in a while. The censoring of Jesus' drug use is the most plausible explanation for the fact that not one of the gospels covers his teenage years. I smell a television series, a cross between Smallville and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in biblical times, following the exploits of our hapless wandering pre-messiah going through puberty and fighting demons, both personal and real, with his loyal gang of goofy followers who learn a thing or two about the wiles of Satan and his loyal gang of snarly orcs. Hilarious preparations for Armageddon ensue as teenage Jesus cures acne with a touch and changes water into Jagermeister with a wave of his hand. Fuck that Aramaic bullshit. Our Jesus speaks English like a good Mexican in America. This is before he became well known, so he always introduces himself to people as "Christ, Jesus Christ, with a C-H." It's his catch phrase and, of course, the name of the show. Special note: "Christ with a C-H" is a registered trademark of Michael Dare, unless registration consists of doing anything other than writing this sentence. Any major, or even minor network production of a TV show called "Christ with a C-H" will be considered an act of copyright infringement to be punished by their old high school principals (and principles). "I never did crystal meth." - Krishnamurti - "What the hell is a Jello shot?" - Buddha - "Mmmm, mushrooms." - Mohammed - "Did you hear the new Godsmack? Man, put this on and crank it, you've got to hear Serenity." - Jesus Christ -