The harder you try to keep people sober, the sooner they will run off in search of new and bizarre ways get super wasted. For one thing, certain kinds of toads have drugs in them and you can get wicked high just by licking one.

A 21-year-old man has been accused of using a toad to get high.

Clay County sheriff's deputies said David Theiss, of Kansas City, possessed a Colorado River toad with the intention of using it as a hallucinogenic.

Experts said it's possible to lick the toad's venom glands to achieve psychedelic effects. [KMBC.com]

So what's the penalty for toad possession, anyway? And how the hell do they know what you're gonna use it for? In the interest of public safety, I've compiled these handy harm reduction tips for toad-tasting troublemakers:

1. Licking Colorado River toads produces psychedelic effects. Licking poison dart frogs produces instant death.
2. If police ask what your toads are for, don't say "Oh, I was gonna lick 'em and get f*cked up, officer."
3. Frogs with long tails and no legs are snakes. Don't lick snakes.
4. If your toad turns into a prince, stop licking it. You've had enough.
5. Don't blog while frogging.

This awesome YouTube video says that hallucinogenic frog venom is only illegal if you extract it, and then goes on to explain exactly how to do that. So now I'm wondering how this young man got arrested to begin with. Was he wandering the street covered in toads mumbling prophecies of a terrible plague?

Whatever else is true, I doubt the drug war will prove effective in curbing frog venom consumption. But I'd give anything to see Mark Souder standing before Congress demanding action against these subversive amphibians stupifying our society with their psychedelic secretions.