Celebrities

Colbert brought the Drug Policy Alliance's Ethan Nadelmann back for round 2 last night. For those of us who've grown accustomed to seeing Nadelmann masterfully control the stage, it's kinda fun watching Colbert box him around. You don't really get to say much on Colbert, but if you keep a straight face while he massacres you, it's possible to come across looking pretty good.

One question though: what's up with the lava lamp!? Sources familiar with whether or not there's a lava lamp in Ethan's office tell me there isn't. Did Colbert put it there? Following his attempt to feed Doritos™ to MPP's Aaron Houston, I certainly wouldn't put it past him.

Of course, when Steve Colbert subjects reformers to relentless and preposterous stoner stereotyping, at least it's a joke. When the head of the UN drug office does the same thing at a serious event, it's a lot less funny.

You know you've hit rock bottom when the United Nations is complaining about you:

Leniency towards drug-abusing celebrities is sending out the wrong message to children and young people, the United Nations drug control agency said today.

The International Narcotics Control Board (INCB) warned that allowing famous people to get away with drug crimes had a damaging effect on impressionable youngsters and undermines faith in the criminal justice system. [The London Paper]

It's always cute when drug war supporters read between the lines and catch on that the massive international drug war hasn't stopped the party. Unfortunately, this realization often leads to bizarre proposals like biological warfare or mass-arresting famous people.

This absurd scheme, like every other dubious drug war idea, will fail for all the same reasons it failed before. The drug war is simply not effective against wealthy privileged people. Those with the resources available to conceal their law-breaking from the prying eyes of police will continue to party in private. You can't deputize the paparazzi to pop Paris for pot and you can't railroad rockstars in drug war kangaroo courts. Just try it, and the number of 90210 zipcodes in the StopTheDrugWar.org membership database will soon crash our servers.

It would be vastly more effective, though still futile, to ask that the press kick its habit of turning every wasted starlet into front-page news. The relentless trainwreck that passes for entertainment media on both sides of the pond is just as nauseous and predictable as its subjects, thus the apple can't be expected to fall far from the tree.

It's all fun and games until LA SWAT raids Paris Hilton's house on a tip from Tara Reid and is forced to shoot a chihuahua in self-defense.

The DEA and FBI are working overtime to bust steroid suppliers. Now, the Drug Czar's office has been boasting about the U.S. government's commitment to preventing cheating in sports. So why are they going after the NBA for being too lenient about marijuana use?

Deputy Drug Czar Scott Burns is very proud of the work that's being done to ensure fairness in sports:

The nation's deputy drug czar said Tuesday that the indictment of slugger Barry Bonds in connection with a federal steroids investigation shows the world that the United States remains "the No. 1 country in the world when it comes to going after cheating in sports." [LA Times]

Of course, like so many other aspects of the war on drugs, the war on steroids suddenly morphs into a war on marijuana:

He was especially critical of the NBA's relatively liberal policy on marijuana use, which calls for a maximum five-game suspension for the third and subsequent offenses.

"If Americans knew that you can be a professional high-level athlete and smoke dope and those are the penalties, they would be offended," he said. "For professional athletes that smoke dope, there should be a message that says you don't get to play your sport."

Why not? I don't understand, Mr. Burns. What does this have to do with cheating? Oh boy, does marijuana really make you better at basketball? I have never heard that before. I've heard that it cures cancer, increases fertility, and prevents Alzheimer's, but I did not know that it made you better at sports. That's so awesome.

To be fair, however, I doubt the Deputy Drug Czar actually believes marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. I think his concerns have more to do with the fact that widespread marijuana use among professional athletes undermines his office's non-stop campaign to convince Americans that using marijuana will weaken their bodies and ruin their futures.

With that in mind, I would highly recommend to the folks at the Drug Czar's office that they immediately stop trying to drug test athletes for marijuana. After all, if you don't want the kids to find out that their favorite athletes smoke pot, you can begin by not drug testing those athletes or complaining publicly about their rampant marijuana use.

You might remember Drew Carey from his hit sitcom The Drew Carey Show. Now he's hosting reason.tv, which has a great new episode about medical marijuana:

This program totally confirms my pre-existing belief that we must defend patient access to medical marijuana, and that the spineless bureaucrats who want to take it from them should be tossed into the Potomac.

Interestingly, the DEA refused to be interviewed by Drew Carey for the episode. If they are tired of discussing this issue, perhaps they should stop raiding dispensaries and terrorizing patients and caregivers.

Last year, Bruce Willis was advocating scorched-earth warfare against the cocaine trade:

"I'm talking also about going to Colombia and doing whatever it takes to end the cocaine trade. It's killing this country. It's killing all the countries that coke goes into…And I think that's a form of terrorism as well." [UGO]

Yikes! Fortunately, Bruce has been reading some books or something, because he's come all the way around on this:

Bruce Willis has hit out at America's war on drugs, insisting it would be more productive for politicians to tackle the social problems that lead people to take narcotics in the first place.
…

"We fight it the wrong way. The war on drugs is a joke." [Star Pulse News]

Maybe he could start Celebrities for Sensible Drug Policy. Of course, CSDP is already taken.

Gabriel Sayegh blogs about it for the Huffington Post...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Adam Eidinger April 9, 2007

"Germ" Wrongly Jailed Over Soap

Absurd GHB Drug Charges for Don Bolles, Drummer of the "The Germs", Stem From a Bottle of Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap Found in Van During Police Stop ESCONDIDO, CA – The Bronner family, makers of the popular organic Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps are shocked and disturbed by musician Don Bolles' April 4th arrest for felony drug possession after police alleged an 8oz bottle of peppermint Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap tested positive for the illicit drug GHB (Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate). The notion that anyone would put GHB in a rinse-off liquid soap product is beyond belief, and the police field test used must have been flawed or tampered with. GHB, which produces euphoria and is an alleged aphrodisiac when ingested, of course has absolutely no effect in a soap product that is rinsed off the hands and body. Mr. Bolles, drummer of the legendary punk band The Germs, was arrested following a police traffic stop and spent three and half days in various jails in Orange County before being released early Easter morning. During a consented search of Mr. Bolles vintage 1968 A-108 van, Newport Beach police found a bottle of peppermint Dr. Bronner's soap which is made with organic coconut, olive, hemp, peppermint and jojoba oils. Felony drug possession could mean 20 years in prison if convicted. A pretrial hearing is scheduled for Friday, April 13, 2007 at the Harbor Justice Center, 4601 Jamboree Road Newport Beach, CA at 8:30am. "I've used only Dr. Bronner's soap for 35 years," says Mr. Bolles. "I use it for everything - bathing, washing my hair, washing my clothes - it goes everywhere I go. I'm scheduled to go to Europe to tour with The Germs this summer, but these felony charges could keep me from traveling out of the country. This whole thing could be really devastating to a 50 year old guy just trying to make a living. I told the officer 'its soap, it smells like peppermint soap,' but he seemed intent on arresting me." "It is totally outrageous that the police could be this malicious and idiotic," says Michael Bronner, Vice-President of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps. "This clearly is a case of profiling by the Newport Beach police of a person who doesn't look like the people who live in that town. We are paying the cost of Mr. Bolle's lawyer, and we demand the charges be dropped or proof from the police forensics lab of GHB contamination be immediately provided to us," said Bronner. Adds brother David Bronner, President: "We cannot imagine anyone putting GHB, or any other drug for that matter, into a rinse-off soap product that is lathered and rinsed off the body immediately. The Newport Beach police should see how much of a buzz putting beer in their shampoo gives them, and get a grip and apologize on their hands and knees to Mr. Bolles." At the time of the arrest Mr. Bowles was driving his girlfriend, and fellow musician Cat Scandal to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Newport Beach. "I had heard of GHB but the police had to tell me what it was," said Bolles. "I'm going to fight these charges." To arrange an interview with Don Bolles, Michael Bronner or David Bronner please contact Adam Eidinger at [email protected]. ###

There’s one less bag of meth on the street thanks to Rev. Ted Haggard, who apparently enjoys buying the drug and then throwing it away. Of course if Haggard’s partial confession is true, he at least helped fund the speed-dealing gay prostitute industry, and everyone knows those guys hate freedom.

On Chris Matthews Sunday morning, Andrew Sullivan suggested that the evangelical community might want to take a step back from power politics and do some soul-searching. That’s one option, but for Colorado’s most demoralized evangelicals, let me recommend legalizing marijuana. Hey, at least it’s not meth.

Radley Balko reports that Shaq has been going on SWAT missions. They let him carry a gun, and he’s already had his first wrong address raid and his first misconduct complaint.

Shaq was cleared of any wrong-doing after being accused of excessive force by a drug suspect. Bear in mind of course that getting cleared of misconduct following a SWAT raid is incredibly easy. So one lucky suspect may very well have gotten his ass kicked by Shaq. That’s awesome, but it could also be a sign of terrible things to come.

(Eric Sterling, president of the Criminal Justice Policy Foundation, joins us as a regular blogger in the Speakeasy.) “It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach or I'd be dead by now,” Willie Nelson said recently.